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Friday, March 18, 2011

My Most Embarrassing Moment or No Strings Attached...

*DISCLAIMER* I am not embarrassed by feminine issues, I tell it like it is if you ask me. If you are a dude, you may want to turn back now, I don't care if you read this, but be warned!

*2nd DISCLAIMER* This happened weeks ago but I wanted to wait for the Martha thing to end so this wouldn't hurt my chances. Yeah, this is a great story!

5:30 am: wake up to pee, put in tampon.

7:30: wake up at to pee again, change full tampon (yes, two hours and my super was full) string just comes off, no pulling, it just came off!!

I am a little stunned, but half asleep.

"ok, ok, I'll let it maybe soak some more and then it will just fall out right?" go back to bed.

10:00: I'm a little worried, mom says try a shower. Showered, nothing but little pieces come out, I'm scared now.

Bri says lay down on the floor and try. Nothing. Mom says use her surgical forceps, I say HECK NO!

Noon: I look up a clinic and there's one just around the corner.

I shave all the way up... past my knees... this rarely happens unless absolutely essential. I gotta-lotta leg to shave, don't judge.

Get to clinic, whisper that “my string broke” to the receptionist as she straightens up and knowingly nods.

Sitting in waiting room when a CUTE guy comes out and calls "Alicia?" Oh lord please no!

He says his name is something like Hottie Man and I just wither from the coming humiliation.

He not only has to see my weight but I have to tell him why I'm there!!! AHHHH!!!!!

"Yes Hottie Man, I weigh the same as a baby gorilla and am on my period, AND have a tampon trapped in me!"

He leads me in a room and gives me the gown, "Take everything from the waist down off." He leaves and I think how differently I had imagined the situation involving those words was supposed to happen. A gown was involved, but I had more of a bridal gown in mind.

Now does the open part go in back or front? What the heck, its all going above my knees anyway. But, if I take off my undies, I'm gonna stain something!

Some one help me! MOMMY!

I figure leaking on the exam table is really not that big of a deal at this point of my journey.

Hottie Man comes in a few time to set up the silver rolling table thing they put tools on. Well, I don't say a dang thing to him. Especially after he sets out the biggest pair of forceps I have seen.

Is it too late to just leave?

Dr. comes in, says I shouldn't need to worry about TSS but let him know if I feel feverish and he'll give me meds. He’s very reassuring that this happens sometimes, no big deal… easy for him to say.

Time to get down to business. Heels in stirrups, flat on my back. HELLO WORLD!!

Sparing you the details, IT HURT SOOOO BAD! No pelvic exam has EVER hurt that bad. He was very nice and talked me through it and it was over pretty fast.

But as I sat up tears started falling. You know, because I wasn't embarrassed enough I had to start crying. I think it was just the stress on top of the pain finally crashing down.

Moral, umm, don't have your period!

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